Haruka Kodama, chosen as HKT48's first center and a best-ever ninth place finisher in the AKB48 general election, has described more than ¥10 million in cosmetic surgery and a bipolar disorder diagnosis at 20. Her parents spoke about how they read their daughter's distress at the time, in an interview aired by ABEMA News.
Kodama, now 30, performed alongside Rino Sashihara and Sakura Miyawaki. Her mother recalled the conversations in which Kodama asked for surgery, saying she kept putting her off by telling her she was still growing.
“I kept deflecting, saying 'you're fine as you are' because she was still in the middle of growing up. But her feeling that she absolutely had to do it was strong. Rather than have her spend every day with a vague anxiety, if it would lighten her heart, if she was going to say that much, I agreed.”Kodama's mother, in the ABEMA News interview
Her mother said Kodama compared herself constantly with prettier seniors and classmates, and that she had come to believe becoming prettier would make her popular. "I think that mistaken idea is why she had the surgery," she said.
A letter from a father posted away from home
Kodama's father, who lives apart from the family for work, sent her a letter, which was handed to her during the interview. She said it was probably the first letter she had ever received from him as an adult, and that she might not be able to read it aloud without crying.
In it, he wrote that he had been proud of her effort but had not understood what she was carrying.
“The father at the time did not notice. Behind an idol career that looked glamorous, Haruka was holding on to great pain. Later, when I learned she had developed depression and had even considered cosmetic surgery because of an inferiority complex about her looks, my chest tightened as a father. Why couldn't I have noticed sooner? Why couldn't I have listened more? That feeling still remains somewhere in my heart. You don't have to try so hard. You don't have to carry it alone. Whether you are happy or suffering, your father is always on your side.”Kodama's father, in the letter
Kodama cried and said she was glad to be her parents' daughter. Looking back at the version of herself who was an idol, she said she had pushed herself too hard over being chosen as center and over rankings and numbers.
She said she wished she had leaned on the other members and asked for help when things were difficult. Of her present life, she said she is happy and spends her days smiling, and thanked her past self for getting through a darkness that held no hope.
Asked about the future, Kodama said she puts the people close to her, her family, her work and a healthy mind and body first. She said she might one day become a mother, and hoped to be the kind of person who protects and supports others the way she was once protected.